


A completetly closet case

by happyherbivore



Category: Mortal Instruments, Shadowhunters
Genre: AU, F/F, M/M, Student!Alec, Teacher!Magnus, Teacher-Student Relationship, student teacher au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-12 16:19:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7941091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happyherbivore/pseuds/happyherbivore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec Lightwood slept with his teacher, as if that wasn't enough of a problem, he also still is very much in the closet and has no desire to come out. Angst and Fluff combined with a (kinda) love triangle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Woah I haven't written fanfiction in so long. Hope you'll enjoy it and please leave feedback :)

"So how was NYU?", Jace asked casually while he and Alec took their seats in the chemistry classroom, they were the first students to arrive there due to the lack of interest for punctuality on the first day of school after the holidays. What he was referring to was the information weekend/open house Alec went to in order to decide on a college to visit in fall. "Um interesting", responded the dark haired boy slightly flustered. "Really? Kinda doesn't sound like it, what did you do?" The question wasn't what caught him off guard, the memories were. Memories of a dark dorm room, two sweating bodies pressed together in lust, driven by the necessity to touch every single inch of each others skin. Just what both of them needed: rough, meaningless sex. Alec didn't even catch the guy's name, all he knew was that his one-night-stand was a very attractive asian guy with a soft spot for nail polish and powerbottoms. But of course he couldn't tell anyone this because he wasn't out and with the level of homophobia his parents were currently on, he'd probably stay in the closet long enough to become a garment himself.

"Aloha?", he had drifted away and didn't realize his best friend was still very much talking to him. "Yeah uh, you know exploring campus, orations, it really was great.", he lied so they could carry on the conversation about their family vacations. It was after their second break when Jace mentioned that they would get a new history teacher, as their old one got pregnant and had to go on maternity leave for the last semester. Alec didn't care all that much, his mind still to busy with the memories from the mystery man he had encountered at NYU. They entered the classroom and were greeted by Clary, Jace's sister and Izzy, Alec's sister. The girls were best friends, too which made hanging out as a group very easy. Everyone took their assigned seats and started to chat while waiting for the new teacher to arrive. The class was fairly loud by the time Magnus Bane arrived, out of breath because of course the room was on the opposite of the building, why would it be easy? He swiftly looks around none of the students seem to have noticed him so far.

_Way to make an entrance, Bane._

"Good...Afternoon, actually."

 _Great_. Fucked this one up, already.

The class turned to the (roughly-old-enough-to-be-a-)teacher and an audible gasp was to be heard somewhere in the back rows. Magnus didn't pay much attention to the brown haired boy who was now curling up in a ball, hoping he wouldn't be noticed by the man who apparently was his new history teacher and, oh yeah almost forgot that, his bloody one-night stand.

Is this the real life, is this just fantasy...no escape from reality.

Not the time dude, this definitely wasn't the time for Bohemian Rhapsody. As much as he wanted to disappear into thin air right now, he had to focus. Clenched teeth and all. "I am Mr. Bane and I will be your history teacher for this semester." He wandered throught the front rows talking about the upcoming finals and the topics they would explore for the next few months, but Alec couldn't pay attention to anything he was saying. There was only one thought stuck in his head, moving in circles like a damn Meghan Trainor song. Stuck. I've seen you naked. "More like Mr. Bae", whispered Izzy in Clary's ear. Oh how much would he like to tell her to shut her stupid mouth. The Girls chuckled, Jace rolled his eyes, Alec probably still had the same ailing look on his face.

**Keepin' it real.**

The lesson went by fast, the most students had given up on listening to what the man in front of the blackboard was saying, to be fair it was pretty boring. Magnus rattled off the speech he had prepared and tried to make as little eye contact as possible. The bell rang, the teenagers weren't very eager to leave the room in a hurry as they had a free period next. Alec, who had been as quiet as a table, currently fought an internal battle. If he would leave the classroom now, Magnus will definitely notice him, he didn't seem to make an effort to leave, but on the other hand if he would be the last person to leave, Magnus will definitely notice him. Either way he was fucked.

_Not literally._

"You good to go, man?", asked Jace, the two girls following him, still snickering. "You know I might just stay and quickly ask Mr. Bane a couple of things about the Baroque-era."

_What the actual fuck, Lightwood?_

He didn't know where those words just came from, surely he wasn't accountable for his own mouth anymore, leave alone his brain. Since when does he let a guy turn his intestines into an unidentifiable mush? And since when the fuck does he embrace confrontation or embarrasing conversations or human interaction alltogether? "O-okay, see you.", Jace responded quite dazzled and left, followed by a waving Clary and an Izzy who was to occupied by her phone to notice.

 **Breathe**.

The tall boy slowly strolled up to the teachers desk through a, now almost completely empty room. He let out a little cough, making Magnus look up from his documents and immediately changing skin colour to the shade of a ripe tomato. Alec, whose skin almost matched Magnus' avoided direct eye contact and began to open his mouth, but his mind was as blank as his next history test, probably. If there was ever a more uncomfortable silence? Alec had no idea how long both of them continued to do that, it was the older who finally broke the silence with a "Well this is awkward".

_Thanks captain obvious._

It took Alec about 2 minutes to answer. "Yeah.", was all he could say, mind still blank as a fresh sheet of paper. "Umm, I-I can assure you this won't have any influence on your grading, after all I am still professional." If even possible the teacher's face went a shade darker than before. "U-unless you want it to", he continued hesitant, almost afraid of what Alec's answer would be. Very much in shock, the boy opened his eyes wide and let an outraged "What are you implying?" out. Magnus' face had returned to a healtier colour and with more confidence he said: "All I'm saying is, you enjoyed yourself, I enjoyed myself and it's not illegal. Why not cherish these memories?" Deep down (no pun intented) Alec knew that he was right. Student/Teacher relationships were only frowned upon at, but he wouldn't get expelled because both were of legal age, even though both, the teacher and the student were heavily investigated because the school strictly prohibits special treatment. But there were still reasons he absolutely could not do "relationships". People, self-esteem, society, being gay wasn't really celebrated, choose one.

"I am sorry, I don't…", what was the word for I-actually-really-want-to-but-I-am-as-closeted-as-11y/o-harry-potter-and-also-my-self-esteem-is-lower-than-my-jeans-but-I'm-sorry?

"I don't believe that this would work, but I am still flattered, thank you Mr. Bane." He put an emphasis on the title while still being quite surprised he was able to say that without stuttering. Or passing out. He then turned around and walked out of the door, too fast to see the heartbreaking sadness in Magnus' eyes.

He felt like shit.


	2. Straight as a ruler

 

  
_Woah._

  
That was all Magnus could think right now. He didn't think he'd ever see the boy again, he hoped so actually. So now he would have to confront his feelings.  
It was supposed to be a one time thing, really he wanted it to be just that. But he couldn't change how his heart jumped at the sight of him. _Him._ He doesn't even know his name.  
The hazel eyed boy who literally took his breath away, Magnus wanted nothing more than to kiss him mindlessly until his clothes would vanish. Was it to much to ask?  
Suddenly he was faced by reality: he was still in the classroom and he had another class to teach. He rushed out hastily, leaving a sheet of paper behind. His tax return.

When the four students entered the room again, they didn't notice the sheet. Correction, three of them didn't notice. Alec frowned and walked over to pick it up. He shot a quick look at it and sighed, he'll have to give it to Magnus after school. Not wanting to admit it before he now definitely had to, he had a huge crush on his teacher. Like, Texas-big.  
But he couldn't. He simply could not let himself fall for this gorgeous man, no matter what his heart said.  
A fatal decision and Alec regretted it immediately because he would have to bring Magnus the paper, he would have to see him again so many times and how can you not fall for him with his cat-like eyes, his subtle eyeliner, his soft, soft skin that would be so delicate to tou-

  
_Stop!_

  
He couldn't be thinking this. "I am not going to fall for Magnus Bane", the boy muttered to himself.  
Gathering his thoughts he returned to his seat and soon after the lesson started.  
Luckily this was the last one of the day so when the bell finally rang Alec told his friends goodbye and made his way to the teacher's room. He knocked two times and almost instantly the door opened revealing a brunette, middle-aged woman with a raised eyebrow.  
"Hello, could I talk to Mr. Bane?", he asked with his best forced smile.  
Without a word the woman turned around and the door closed.  
_Real nice move lady_.  
A second later it opened again and a confused Magnus came out (haha).  
"Alexander, what can I do for you?"  
He didn't look too pleased, but perhaps Alec interpreted that wrong, he didn't want to look him in the eyes because he'd just be falling for him again.

  
**Stop.**

  
"You left this in the classroom, I thought you might still need it…seemed pretty important.", he handed him the sheet and for a second their fingers touched.  
_Electrifying._  
Their eyes met and for a split second a smile found its way on both of their faces. Has anyone ever looked more in love?  
But back to normal. Magnus took the paper and glanced at it.  
"Oh my god, thank you so much. Without this I would be so screwed.", the teacher let out a relieved giggle, which was probably the most adorable thing Alec had heard in his life so far.  
Overwhelmed and slightly oblivious, Magnus tried to give the younger boy a hug but stopped mid-move, his arms awkwardly raised. He gave him a pat on the shoulder.  
Way to be platonic.  
"Um, well bye…I-I guess." Alec waved half-hearted and turned around quickly enough to miss the half-disappointed/half-longing stare, Magnus shot at him.

He had to clear his head, sometimes it gets too much. Surely a walk in the park could relax him.  
The whole Bane-situation was so confusing and he didn't have the slightest idea how to handle it. Of course he wanted to admit his feelings for the devilishly handsome teacher but at the same time he feared for his life. What if his parents would kick him out? They certainly couldn't have a faggot for a son, let alone one that hooks up with a teacher.  
There was not one person he could tell what was going on in his mind, not even his best friend. He wouldn't understand, Jace was straight as a ruler.  
_Alec Lightwood, nice to meet you. I'm straight as a ruler too … well, the bendy kind._

  
Fuck it.  
The memories of him and Magnus just wouldn't leave his damn mind. I mean it was pretty hot and probably the second time would be even bett-  
Nope! It was late, he should get home soon or his parents would worry. Maybe tomorrow the feelings would be gone.

Ugh who was he kidding.

 


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this chapter is such a fucking mess, I promise it will make sense in chapter 4/5

 

"That's it class, see you on friday.", it had been 2 weeks since Magnus started teaching the seniors of Scarsdale High School. It had also been 2 weeks since he last spoke to Alec. They had mainly avoided each other, a forced 'hello' or a quick glance but it was one of these situations where they simply weren't able to admit their true feelings, although they knew.  
 _Also known as skinny love_.  
Alec felt guilty and shitty. If he couldn't even be honest with himself then how could he tell another human being the truth?   
It was a fucking disaster.  
"Mr. Lightwood, would you please stay for a second.", the young boy looked up and saw his teacher standing right in front of him, arms crossed.  
When the last student left the room, Magnus locked the door and then walked straight (haha) over to him, closer than Alec could bare without thinking 'please don't get a boner'.  
"We need to talk. I know this is a total mess but I need closure, at least."  
"Okay, sure.", unsure of what else to say, he fidled with the strings of his backpack.   
"No.", the older man took his hand and looked Alec in his eyes, there was so much tension in the air one might wonder why they weren't already undressed.  
Magnus still held the younger boy's hand and slowly shifted closer until he was about 3 inches away from his face.   
"Let me try something, please.", he said in the softest voice, "Let me kiss you one last time and if you can tell me you didn't feel anything and I will never bother you again."  
Alec was intrigued, on one hand he was fairly sure that one kiss would lead to much more and as much as he wanted that, he feared it equally. On the other hand if he could lie good enough to make the man opposite of him believe they were through, he might feel better? He didn't even believe himself, but what damage could it do now.  
Alec nodded and leaned in until they closed the gap and locked lips.   
It was just as fantastic as the first one, or the one after, or actually everytime they kissed so far. Magnus cupped his cheek and let his tongue slip into his mouth.  
There was no better taste in this world, Alec was sure.  
He grabbed the back of the man's head and brought them, if possible, closer. There was no way he would ever let go of this wonderful, erousing person. He could feel himself getting hard and, since the two guys were practically pressed together, he felt the growing bulge in Magnus pants. He smiled in the kiss then broke away, panting.   
"I believe there is something we need to take care of", he mumbled into his lover's ear who had began to place little pecks all over Alec's neck and collarbone. A soft moan slipped out and he heard Magnus giggle and continue with his trail of light kisses.   
Without even thinking about it, the boy opened his and Magnus' zipper and shortly after, the rest of their clothes found their way to the floor.  
"I want you!", Alec's voice was lower than usual, what turned his mate on even more.  
Meanwhile they found their way to the teacher's desk on which the you boy was now sitting, still wholly occupied with exploring every inch of Magnus' skin. He ran his shaking hands all over the other one's torso until they found their way to the lower regions. The older man suddenly stopped breathing when Alec's hand started to grip his arousal. Then the breathing of both instensified until it became panting.   
A handjob later and when Magnus' legs had finally stopped shaking, their lips crashed again. Both of them had never felt more complete, like life finally made sense, like there is good in the world-

_But what about his parents and what about the closet?_

Alec stopped abruptly and looked his fellow in the eyes with an equally apologetic and horrified look.  
"I'm sorry", it was not more than a whisper but it was powerful enough break them apart.  
Alec rushed out once again, not bothering whether he looked presentable or not. He heard the older man running after him but giving up when Alec reached the school entrance.  
He didn't stop there and ran around the corner into the park that was coincidentalky also the place he felt most happy.   
Slowing down he made his way to one of the benches next to a pond. He sat down and immediately tears started streaming down his face while a light breeze played with his hair.  
There he was once again, contemplating his life and this whole messy situation that he couldn't seem to get a grip on.   
How could he handle this when he didn't even know what he really felt. _Correction_ , he knew what he felt but he could not let himself feel that because it would just disappoint his parents.   
Then again why did he care? It's not like they had the best relationship, but still they're his family. Why did he always put other's feelings before his own, he shouldn't have to tip toe because he was in love.

  
_He was in love. But he couldn't be._

  
Perhaps if he just tried to convince himself he wasn't, it would all just go away.  
Sure that always works.  
His face buried in his hands he sat there for about half an hour, trying not to slip away into too depressing thoughts.   
"Hey", a very familiar voice then a little creaking as someone sat down next to him.   
That someone was Jace.  
Alec looked up and saw his blond friend smiling at him. It made him even sadder because, fuck he couldn't tell him.  
How would he understand? How could he not judge him, yeah how? Alec sent him a half hearted smirk back, "What are you doing here?", he asked.   
"Searching for you, I wanted to talk."

_No. He couldn't bear to say anything about this calamity, especially not to Jace._

  
Oh the sweet fear of being judged.  
"C'mon dude, I know there's somethin' wrong, I can tell."  
Alec felt little shivers as he remembered what he had actually done, almost fucked the teacher.  
 _Almost fucked the teacher._  
"I can't talk about it, I wish I could but it's just the most embarrasing thing."  
A breathy laugh, then an arm aroubd his shoulders.   
"You know you can tell me everything, I promise I won't laugh."  
Indeed a very funny story, just not funny in a good way.

The brown-haired struggled for a minute, trying to contain what wanted out. Well if not Jace then who could he trust with this?  
"Alright.", he straightened (haha) his back and cleared his throat.

"You know how I've been kind of weird lately when it came to history classes?"

"Kind of?", Jace smirked.

"Shut up! Anyway the reason is because", he took in a deep breath, "I met Mr. Bane before school started. I met him at NYU."

"So?"

"Well, I didn't just meet him, I … I slept with him.", Alec closed his eyes, he just said that, he just outed himself.

"Oh you're gay, that's cool."

_Say what?_

They looked each other in the eye and Alec saw something he had never seen before. Scintillating irides, how come he never noticed how his eyes have two different colours. One as blue as the ocean the other one blue fading into war hazel.   
Both of them shifted closer simultaneously, still having the most intense stare-off they ever experienced.   
"I-I guess…it's v-very confusi-"  
He was interrupted by the blond's lips softly touching his.  
What the actual fuck.  
It was a peck that turned into a sloppy kiss and a lot of hair pulling until Alec jumped back.  
"I-we cannot…no…I-I have to go."  
And with that he grabbed his backpack and ran out. For the second time this day.  
 _Awesome_.  
He might have ruined two of his most important relationships in one day, great job Lightwood.  
Why was he so afraid of showing feelings, real honest feelings for this man.   
Not Jace.  
As much as he loved him as a best friend and even though he was definitely attractive, Alec had not desire to get with him.

  
Coming home he heard yelling coming from his sister's room.  
"I'm sorry okay, I am sorry I just vanished but you can't drop a bomb like this on me and expect me to take it well. NO YOU LISTEN! MY FEELINGS ARE JUST AS VALID AND I AM CONFUSED, I'M FUCKING CONFUSED.", she seemed to calm a bit at what the person on the other line was saying, "Sure, I just need time, Clary."  
Izzy threw the phone on her bed and turned around to see Alec standing in the door.   
There were no words needed between them, both knew exactly where to go when one was feeling like shit and needed comfort.  
The roof.

"You know, Clary confessed something to me.", the girl began hesitantly.   
Alec raised an eyebrow.   
"She is sort of…into girls, me to be specific."

  
 _Life is such a fucking mess_.  
The boy couldn't help but to laugh out loud which earned him a confused look from his sister and he started explaining his situation.  
"I think I blew it.", Alec buried his face in his hands when he was finished. "Same"  
She bit her lip and said: "You can't avoid him forever"

Which one

"I know."

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the hiatus, had a bit of a writer's block. (this isn't the best chapter to be an apology)

 

 

[self destructing thoughts; thoughts about suicide]

 

  
Nobody really wants to admit how messed up they are. It's hard to put it into words anyway and Alec was so darn messed up.  
He just couldn't stop hurting people, maybe it would be better for everyone if he just stoped existing.   
No, no, no, no, no don't go down that road.  
It wasn't like that, he knew

It was wrong, so so wrong. He just couldn't help himself, could he?  
It was utter bullshit to believe that his whole family would disown him because of who he loved, he was still their son.  
Or was he wrong?  
Would the Lightwoods kick his gay ass out of the house?  
Of course he'd still have his friends and his sister but was that enough, he didn't think so.

Alec had had these kind of crises more often than he wanted to admit and he had thought about just getting out of this world for good, not looking back just letting the anger and self destructiveness, the fear and self-disgust there and never looking back.  
It wasn't that he was disgusted with being gay, Alec usually was very comfortable with his sexuality he was just disgusted with his weakness about coming clear…and coming out.  
He couldn't stop the feelings and at this point he didn't even know for whom they were and most importantly what was platonic and what was not. Alec always made sure to keep these two strictly apart, ever since he felt a little jump of his heart when looking at Jace 3 years ago. Feelings were repressed and vanished eventually but with all that's happening now he couldn't help but wonder what if.

  
_What if..._

  
And also why. Why did Jace kiss him, he only loved himself. What was that about and how could he stop it. Alec did not want to get with Jace anymore. He left that part behind him it was all about Magnus now.   
Wow that was a clarity and wasn't that all he wanted? But somehow this clarity left him more confused than before.

  
On monday he entered the classroom feeling better than usual. He looked over to his seat and was not surprised to see only Clary there. Izzy was getting her books from her locker but Jace was not there.   
Greetings were exchanged and the lesson began. Alec actually paid attention today. He wrote notes and even answered a few questions the teachers asked. He was a decent student for once this year.   
Unfortunately for him this wasn't an Magnus-free day, he still did not know what to tell him.

The raven-haired guy looked less joyful than usual and he didn't have quite the enthusiasm he normally would have.  
He did not smile once and Alec was beginning to worry about his plan. After the bell rang, young boy walked over to the teacher's desk and asked: "Can we talk?"  
As there were still many students in the room, Magnus frowned and guided him to his office and as soon as the door was closed, the words started to bubble? out.  
"I'm sorry about what happened, I-", but Magnus cut him off.  
"I don't care. If you are just doing trial and error here, fine but not with me.", with hurt look on his face he stared at his fellow.   
"I don't understand...I"  
Alec was confused, what Magnus said made no sense (just like this story tbh) but he wasn't gonna give up. He wanted him, definitely!  
"I won't be your one-time queer experience Alec Lightwood, I don't deserve this."  
"But I wasn't-", Alec was cut off by the bell that meant the break was over.

 _Confused and sad._ That was all he could feel right now. Why did Magnus think this was some experimenting shit. Who was less straight than Alec fucking Lightwood?   
Mindlessly he walked down the hall to the cantine, without greeting Izzy or Clary he sat down.  
"Trouble in paradise?", Izzy raised an eyebrow.   
He just brushed it off, didn't need to talk about this now.  
"What's up with you guys, are you all made up?"  
The girls shot each other a glance that was almost...lovingly?!  
"Yeah we worked things out", said Clary with a smirk. Both giggled and   
He really wanted to be happy for them and he was, kind of. Not that he was disapproving of the relationship, there was just nothing. Neither bliss nor delight.

_**Just  
Apathy** _


End file.
